Few in the music industry have been as candid about their personal life and struggles as Taylor Swift. Swift’s vulnerability and distinctive ability to weave experiences into her art and give an emotional voice to difficult situations remain unrivaled. The simplicity and vividness of her lyrics have helped generations of fans talk about and cope with their problems. It only takes listening to a few of her songs to understand why she has garnered such a massive fan following. Her most recent album- Red (Taylor’s Version) reminds us why her music has brought about a paradigm shift in the industry. The sincerity of her songs reverberates through the walls of our hearts, providing solace when needed most.
Be it breakups or body dysmorphia, Swift has spoken about it all. ‘All Too Well’- a 10-minute version of the song details her experience with a painful relationship and breakup. More importantly, her music video has begun a conversation about dealing with tumultuous or toxic relationships at a young age, the crushing effects of gaslighting in relationships, and non-linear healing.
Gaslighting in Relationships
The music video reflects the lyrics of the song chronicling a relationship’s genesis, its often destructive tendencies, and finally a bitter parting. The journey of the relationship is mapped out over seven chapters. During the second chapter entitled ‘The First Crack in the Glass’, an argument between ‘Him’ and ‘Her’ takes place. The scene is set thus: Him and Her are back home from a night out with Him’s friends. During the fated outing, Her had extended her hand to Him only for him to refuse it. Her, upset by Him’s actions confronts Him when he asks her why she’s so pissed off. A heated argument ensues during which Him exhibits behavior synonymous with gaslighting- indirectly calling her “crazy” and “insane”, saying things like:
“I don’t think I’m making you feel that way (stupid). I think you’re making yourself feel that way.”
“It was fun. I had a blast. Now, now this is the night. Now we’re doing this”
“It’s so, so @#$% selfish. You’re making the night about you”
Him, instead of communicating his feelings and attempting to understand his partner’s sentiments (poorly expressed though they were), resorted to gaslighting her. Gaslighting is a term used for emotional abuse where an individual tries to manipulate your sense of reality to align with a narrative that benefits them. They do so by making you doubt or trivializing reality as you see it, and on occasion going so far as to bring your sanity into question. Gaslighting disorients you, makes you question what you have experienced. Gaslighting may or may not be a conscious attempt to exercise control, but its repercussions can be incredibly damaging.
Gaslighting isn’t limited to personal relationships, but it is the most common. It can leave you feeling stupid, guilty, burdensome, or inadequate. It can be difficult to tell if you’re being gaslighted as your partner might disguise it as “brutal honesty” and get away with invalidating your experiences.
Identifying gaslighting in a romantic relationship can be a tricky affair. When we trust someone and love them, our instinct to not upset them overrides our better judgment. Gaslighters often shower their partner with praise or comforting words. In the music video, Him apologizes to Her, but if you listen closely you can detect insincerity. This is called ‘cognitive empathy’. Unlike genuine empathy, cognitive empathy is merely performative. It only serves to reinforce our confusion, creating an atmosphere of uncertainty and doubt.
A comment on Reddit said,
“The thing with gaslighting is that even when you’re out of it and you know you’ve been gaslighted, a part of you still wonders if it’s really the case. And you feel guilty or hear their voices in your head. I think it gets better as time goes by, but when you’re feeling more vulnerable, they can still have some power over you. It’s so infuriating.”
If you think you’re being gaslighted, talk it out with your partner. Gaslighting is a learned behavior and can be unlearned if the person is willing. Your partner might not be unaware of how their behavior is affecting your well-being and the relationship. In any case, it is essential to stand your ground and exercise self-compassion. The cycle of self-doubt gaslighting perpetuates can be difficult to navigate on your own. Talking to friends or family or a therapist about your experiences could help you break it and gain perspective.
‘All Too Well’ begins with a quote by Pablo Neruda- “Love is so short, forgetting is so long”, setting the tone for the short film and the song alike. Breakups, especially those that weren’t expected- like in ‘All Too Well’- can be incredibly painful. We find our protagonists breaking up in the fourth chapter entitled ‘The Breaking Point’. It is evident that Him is the one breaking up with Her. Her, obviously upset with the unforeseen blow, is in tears over the matter.
Breaking up with someone can cause an overwhelming sense of grief and despair. In that respect, heartbreak can be comparable with the grief of losing someone to death.
Losing someone who had become an intrinsic part of our life can be a very traumatic experience. It is no wonder then that so many songs are about heartbreak. Everyone unanimously agrees that moving on is essential to recovering from a breakup, but it is easier said than done. Moving on isn’t a linear process. You could think you’re over someone, see a picture of them on social media and feel poorly all over again. The following lyrics echo these sentiments-
“They say all’s well that ends well, but I’m in a new Hell
Every time you double-cross my mind”
“…‘Cause there we are again in the middle of the night
We’re dancing ’round the kitchen in the refrigerator light
Down the stairs, I was there
I remember it all too well”
This is, unfortunately, par for the course. Life is the epitome of unpredictability. The smallest of things can trigger memories from a past relationship- good ones and bad ones. But, things become complicated when the relationship was a toxic and/or abusive one.
Recovering from a toxic relationship can be a confusing time. Healing from a non-toxic relationship can cause people to re-evaluate their worth as a person, develop a negative body image, or even slip into a depressive episode. But when the relationship was a toxic one, as it appears to have been in Taylor Swift’s music video, it can be a taxing uphill journey to getting over it. All the cruel things your partner said to you to make you feel worthless might play in your mind’s eye on a constant, unrelenting loop. The YouTuber- PhilosophyTube, who had been in an abusive relationship herself says,
“When we get to know somebody really well, we take on a little bit of them into ourselves. They become like an audience and it affects our self-perception. A good romantic partner will hopefully build you up and enable you to see yourself the way they see you, lovingly; the internal critic becomes the internal advocate.” “…But when someone starts writing the script for that little voice and putting in some nasty lines, believe me, you can live in fear of someone half your size.”
You might even begin to buy into your partner’s toxic comments. You might even question if your leaving them was the right call. Leaving a toxic relationship requires a lot of courage and strength. In times like these, it is crucial to practice self-compassion and seek help from professionals. Your therapist could help you navigate your experiences and emotions, whilst also giving you the tools that could help you heal.
Taylor Swift’s ballad ‘All Too Well’ is a haunting reminder of how even after a breakup, the memories of a relationship can inflict wounds on an individual’s mental health. But the good thing is, there is light at the end of the tunnel. The success of the song and the short film just goes to show the power speaking up about your experiences has. Listening to other people talk about what they’ve been through can be an empowering experience, lifting the veil of doubt and validating your feelings.
It is an unfortunate tendency- in India especially- to label a teenager’s or young adult’s mental health complaints as the whinings of an ungrateful brat. That is very rarely the case. Indian teens feel compelled to put up a facade to their parents. In a sense, kids- and adults too- are forced to lead a double life. In an atmosphere where vocalizing one’s anxieties and concerns can cause familial turmoil, mental health is sure to take a toll. We conducted a poll asking people if they feel the need to hide their anxieties and/or interests from their families. Of the 60 people who participated, 37 of them replied in the affirmative. This isn’t meant to villainize families or parents, but to illustrate how common a practice this is.
‘All Too Well’ is a testament to how people can experience life-altering trauma at any age. The mental health discourse is experiencing a seismic change, but we have much progress to make. Songs and short films like ‘All Too Well’ are a step in the direction of destigmatizing mental health issues young people go through. Conversations are started and doubts are erased, cultivating an atmosphere that is conducive to openly talking about difficult-to-broach-subjects and trauma without being judged.
About the writer: Bhargavi Barnabas is a Content writer, English literature student, researches and writes on feminism, mental health, and LGBTQIA+ issues, she is also a Bouncbk user.
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